Totally Stupid

Tank Cozy

2006-09-28T21:42:05+00:00

It's good. And good FOR you.

2006-09-20T17:32:07+00:00

Yes it's true. Amazon.com is selling milk. And boy howdy is it getting some GREAT reviews! (Although only 764 so far, not quite enough to form an educated purchasing decision.) Here's one... There are few gifts I like to recieve more than milk. Whole milk too. That's the kind of milk that says that it's real. It's right. It's whole. I want that milk to sit there for years because that's what you do with milk. There's nothing better than milk - well except maybe radishes. But alas, everything is not bright and shiny in the world of Tuscan whole milk. It has also caused a great deal of heartbreak. As evidenced by this reviewer's dark & sordid tale... My name is Zach, a former employee of Tuscan Dairy Products. To understand why I'm writing this we must go into further detail of why I am not currently employed by Tuscan Dairy Products at this juncture. My position at Tuscan Dairy Products was called "Container Control Specialist". Basically, my job requirements were to hold an empty one gallon jug while it was being filled with Tuscan Whole Milk. I know what you're thinking, "DREAM JOB". You couldn't be more right. At first my job at Tuscan Whole Milk was exciting and fun. Nothing pleased me more than getting up in the morning knowing "I'm about to see the most magnificent and wonderful substance on earth". All I could think about was Tuscan Whole Milk, and that is where my life started its death spiral into the Abyss of dank, musky and pure Tuscan Whole Milk. From the beginning my wife was jealous of me. She loved Tuscan Whole Milk, as we all do. But something pained her inside when I would mention Tuscan Whole Milk. She was bored with her job at SuperCuts. Upon arriving at home each day she would say exactly the following "What happened at work today, and give me DETAILS?" She was crazed for Tuscan Whole Milk, much like a crystal meth addict. She longed for the thick, cold and ever so beautiful taste of Tuscan Whole Milk. But the jealousy had gone too far. After fulfilling my duties at work, my supervisor Jim decided to let me go home early. This is where it starts. I arrived at my homestead with my usual 2 jugs in hand(s), only to hear a moaning coming from our master bathroom. Furious, I barged into the room only to see my wife... Her insides filled to the brim with Tuscan Whole Milk. I immediately filed for divorce and left my wife. I got an apartment closer to work so I could spend more time with Tuscan Whole Milk. I was on a slippery slope. I would drink nothing but Tuscan Whole Milk until I vomited. I knew I had a problem, and the first step was admitting it. I was addicted to Tuscan Whole Milk. Being bloated, feeling sick, excessive diarrhea, lung disease, and milk lips are all symptoms of Tuscan Whole Milk abuse. I had to quit my job at Tuscan Dairy Products to stay away from Tuscan Whole Milk. I am currently working at Ned's Video on Auburn and Sunrise as the Video Tape Rewinder. Its part time and the pay is bad, but at least it keeps me away from Tuscan Whole Milk. Please kids, be safe and limit your consumption of Tuscan Whole Milk to a gallon a day. Ahhh yes. Words to live by in this day and age...

Dogs For Peace

2006-08-09T03:58:36+00:00

Dogs want peace and here's the uniquely disturbing web site to prove it.

No evidence of cats for peace that could be found, but cats probably don't really care about very much, anyway.

Other activist animals:
Sheep for Peace T-shirt
Apparently, some Fish are or peace too.

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Death becomes them

2006-08-02T21:29:46+00:00

While wandering through Italy a few months ago, I found a great deal of entertainment from the discovery of the Calendario Romano... a calendar featuring the (I'm not kidding here...) hottest priests and holy men in Italy. I thought nothing could top it. It was just too bizarre. I was wrong. Introducing the morbidly fabulous Men of Mortuaries 2007 Calendar! (To see a little news article on it, click here.) Hey ladies... better watch out! One look at these hunks and their mysteriously disappearing shirts and you might just need an autopsy... on your broken heart!

Drink pee and live

2006-07-14T03:29:28+00:00

"Urine is considered to be an invaluable source of nourishment and healing"
- Shirley's Wellness Cafe

"Sometimes when all else fails, urine therapy will turn a person around."
- Biomedx

"Don't try to keep it in the 'fridge overnight or for when guests drop in."
- Heartland Healing Center

"...it has a wonderful healing and toning effect when applied to the skin" - Life Positive

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Ummm... no comment.

2006-06-28T16:03:57+00:00

Introducing The Daddle... a soft, stuffed "saddle" for Dad (or Mom) to strap on, to give kids (age 2-6) a horsy ride. Kneepads sold separately.

Your own church

2006-06-28T15:47:29+00:00

Church Sign Generator

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If only there were 41... then I might be convinced.

2006-06-19T01:38:28+00:00

Forty reasons Keanu Reeves does not suck.

World's Largest Ear Model

2006-06-15T23:38:38+00:00

Why settle for your average ear model when you can have the world's largest?

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Pet Memorials

2006-06-13T23:16:00+00:00

Always Remembered Pet Memorials - headstones starting at just $54 (5" x 7") Pets 2 Heaven has some nice urns if cremation is your choice. Nice, novelty, life-sized urns from Foreverpets You'll need a casket. Check these out at PetMemorials.org Don't want to spend the money? Consider a free online memorial at ILovedMyPet (but was too cheap to buy a casket and headstone). Just wanna forget about the whole thing? Go to the lost pet grief support at PetLoss.com - complete with tear jerking sound track. . . . . .

Sometimes famous people eat.

2006-04-05T02:54:44+00:00

Want proof? Here it is, at the ever-so appropriately-named celebrities-eating.com.

Bon appetit!

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

2006-03-01T21:03:36+00:00

Tomatoes Are Evil is a site entirely dedicated to the anti-tomato crowd... We are not talking about a mild dislike or a medical allergy; but the realization that this fruit is the SPAWN OF SATAN. Cherry, Plum, Beef, Sundried, Green, Organic or home grown; all TOMATOES ARE EVIL.

Cheese on Tour

2006-02-21T04:54:49+00:00

Welcome to the Web's number one website for pictures of cheese in famous places.

Who knew cheese had such wanderlust?

The Baked Bean Museum of Excellence

2006-02-13T17:28:58+00:00

Ok, so it looks like Bono* of U2 has painted himself orange, moved to picturesque Port Talbot, Wales (birthplace of the late Richard Burton & Sir Anthony Hopkins), and opened a museum dedicated to baked beans.

*Ok, it might not be Bono. Unless Bono legally changed his name to Captain Beany from Planet Beanus... which apparently this guy has.

Master Sensei Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

2006-02-12T04:27:55+00:00

Is your chi a little funky? Karma feeling down?

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is an energy drink as unique as the man who created it. It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks... Now available in Cherry Charge and Asian Experience.*

One sip and you'll be back to roundhouse-kicking coworkers through plate glass windows before you know it!

*Soy sauce flavor...?

Lobster Arcade is Cruel and Unusual

2006-02-06T13:05:32+00:00

For anyone who thought that PETA was strictly a mammal advocate group, The Lobster Arcade Game was recently denounced by Karin Robertson of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals who said it's cruel to use lobsters as an amusement before cooking them. PETA reports that the Roland's Seafood Grill in Pittsburgh has removed this cruel contraption.

For more lobster liberation advocacy groups, check here.

Yay for Wiener Dogs!

2006-02-01T06:26:29+00:00

Dixie the Tiny Dog (mp3)
by Peter Himmelman

Wiener Dog Racing

Wiener Dog Fighting

Wiener Dog Art

Wiener Dog Gifts

Death of the Doggie Diner Dachshund

And the return of an old favorite...
Wiener Dog in a Shell!

Psychic Pets Network

2006-01-31T15:40:43+00:00

Is your pet psychic? Find out here.

Don't forget to check your pets horoscope.

Buy the book.

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Almost Naked Animals

2006-01-28T04:01:10+00:00

Almost naked Animals. Illustrations by Noah Z. Jones of almost naked animals and their tastes, what they like or dislike.

via Bibi's Box + Drawn

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Your Carnivore?

2006-01-27T05:00:35+00:00

You're dog or cat might be a carnivore, but that doesn't mean you have to treat them like one, damnit!

VeggiePets.com is the highest ranking Google site for "vegetarian pet food", and is a major online retailer for "HappiDog tasty flakes" , approved by the Vegetarian Society.

VegitarianDogs.com is apparently rated #19 of all veggie sites, and is focused on selling a spiral bound book about canine ethics, whatever that is.

VeganCats.com is 100% cruelty free, except for the design!

Want to talk about it first before forcing your meat eater to subsist on barley and corn? Hook up with the VegPets.com message board, with almost 1,000 posts so far since 2002.

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Dynamic Nut Cracking

2006-01-26T06:42:59+00:00

You're probably asking yourself right about now, "how the heck am I going to crack more nuts than my neighbors?" ... and the answer is either a Dynamic Nut Cracker or the Kinetic Nut Cracker, which is way more expensive but will shell 1,560 pecans per hour.

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Pet Snails

2006-01-24T14:17:30+00:00

If you're considering getting a snail as a pet, check in with the experts at PetSnails first. With 20,000 posts in their forum, the questions you have may already be answered online.

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Car Stuck Girls

2006-01-22T03:06:23+00:00

I suppose everyone has their own little fantasy. If seeing girls get their cars stuck in the mud just happens to be yours, then have I got a website for you!

Fainting Goats

2006-01-19T07:14:28+00:00

Fainting Goats are a slightly smaller version of the standard goat, who, believe it or not, thanks to a genetic condition called myotonia congenita, actually seem to faint when they are startled.

As strange as this may sound, these little critters have actually served an historical purpose. Shepherds often kept the goats in with their flocks as insurance in case of predator attacks. The theory went something like this- as wolves would come down from the hills to attack a flock of sheep, the goats would become startled and, as per the name of their breed, they would faint. The sheep would make a clean getaway, as the wolves would focus on the stunned goats rather than pursue the fleeing sheep.

Wow, it sure sucks to be a Fainting Goat!

What is wrong with me that I find this video so funny!?
Fainting Goat mid-faint photo gallery
The International Fainting Goat Association

Iraq Online

2006-01-18T16:15:59+00:00

If you want to get started doing business in Iraq, the official online resource is apparently Iraqibusinesscenter.org - which oddly enough is owned by Jim Sosnicky. Follow the trail a bit farther to the Baghdad Business Center, and you'll find that it too is owned and operated by the former DJ and very colorful Mr. Sosnicky.

Other interactive Iraqi locations include The Official Website for the Iraqi Government (not updated since September of 2005). This site is owned and maintained (every so often) by the inspired Ekur Services (cool theme song) - a group of Iraqi nationals who moved back to Baghdad to sew up most of the contracts for all the new government websites.

If you want to link up to Iraqi Government Websites, the US Embassy there provides everyone with the grim state of interactive affairs.

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Freeze Dry Your Pets

2006-01-16T14:20:10+00:00

"Once your pet has passed away, place him or her into a plastic bag and into a freezer ASAP."

Sorry, these people, in spite of their website are simply too busy to freeze dry your pet right now. They do however offer a delightful gallery of freeze dried pets.

Perpetual Pet takes the best name in category award.

If you're interested in an exciting career freeze drying peoples pets, get started at FreezeDry.com.

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Ten Years of Cat Cam

2006-01-13T14:11:29+00:00

It's a sad truth, but totally stupid stuff doesn't usually last very long on the internet. It's therefore very satisfying to eagerly anticipate the ten year anniversary of Cat Cam, launched in 1996 and still just as stupid as ever.

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Digi Pet Funeral Parlor

2006-01-13T13:25:51+00:00

Dignified burials or budget funerals. Either way, this is the place to go when your beloved Giga Pet passes on.

This site has been around for years, even outlived the Giga Pet craze, but it still entertains.

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Banner Ads - Gone but not forgotten

2006-01-12T14:24:53+00:00

There are things in this world that are well worth preserving. If you thought that once your favorite banner ad was taken out of circulation that it was gone forever, think again.

The Banner Ad Gallery

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2005 Druid Wrap-Up

2006-01-03T00:08:38+00:00

Just in case you missed it, The Reformed Druids of North America just released their year end wrap-up.

Highlights: "Three things in a woman which bring on her the world's disrespect and her husband's hatred: lying long in the morning, being stubborn, and being slattern*." "Three plagues of the wise: women, drink, and bad temper."

Hot Druid News: "The state Game Commission is currently drafting proposed regulations to allow hunters to use the atlatl, a small wooden device used to propel a six-foot dart as fast as 80 mph. The commission could vote to legalize its use as early as January."

* untidy, slack (dictionary.com)

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Real Life Monkeys That Changed Our World

2005-12-31T15:45:41+00:00

With the success of the latest King Kong movie, it might be a good time to be reminded of the real life monkeys that have changed things for the better. Thank goodness someone has taken the time to list the most famous (non-actor) monkeys in history. . . . . .

WorstTax Payer Funded Federal Websites

2005-12-30T14:17:04+00:00

The National Institute of Standards and Technology definitely sets the standard for creating the most confusing website in the seemingly endless labyrinth of federally funded websites. The cleverly named Information Access Division is apparently designed to provide taxpayers with "access" to all the reasons this federal branch of government exists at all. Don't miss this bewildering report from the NIST which proves that Good Usability is critical to the success of a website. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 4th Place

2005-12-29T14:16:54+00:00

The remarkably dysfunctional WebContent.gov is where you go when you need to learn how to design a useless and completely confusing federal website with tax payer money. Tons of resources for creating and managing federal sites, including the uniquely disturbing Usability.gov, where you can learn first hand why no federal website can actually be used, and why it's costs so much to keep them that way. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 5th Place

2005-12-27T16:31:40+00:00

Department of Defense Visual Information This visually challenged site is the clearing house for all things visual from the Department of Defense. A vast collection of really bad photographs taken at tax payer expense. Some highlights: Order the Hurricane Katrina CD Collection! The popular Defense Billboard collection Or the always popular Defense Image Digest . . . . .

Deals on Dirt!

2005-12-26T15:49:55+00:00

Looking for the best price for dirt? ShopDirt.com is a great place to either buy the dirt you need or sell the extra dirt you have laying around. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 6th Place

2005-12-26T15:38:09+00:00
If you ever wonder why it's so expensive for the Federal government to accomplish so very little, take a month or two off to look over the most recent rules and regulations that are floating around at Regulations.gov, such as Irish Potatoes Grown in Colorado, Use of the Word ``Pure or Its Variants on Labels or in Advertisements of Alcohol Beverage Products, or International Sanitary and Phytosanitary Standard-Setting Activities to point out just a few of the regulations open for comment. . . . . .

The Left-Handed Piano

2005-12-24T07:06:19+00:00
You know, there have been a lot of misconceptions about left-handed people throughout history. But now, in these modern, comparatively tolerant times, southpaws are finally getting their fair shake. There are left-handed guitars of course, we don't want anyone else to endure what Jimi had endure, flipping that thing over and whatnot, and if you go here you can see some other high-quality left-handed products. My favorite quote came from the left-handed boomerang description: This boomerang is only suitable for throwing left handed. Do not let the right hander loose with it.

At any rate, some guy finally had the bright idea to "invent" a left-handed piano. What a brilliant, innovative design (think opposite normal piano)! My problem is, if anyone, lefty or not, is serious enough about playing the piano to shell out the dough for one of these, then they've obviously been playing for awhile, on "traditional" pianos, and would have to relearn the instrument. But hey, maybe Beethoven sounds even better in reverse....

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 7th Place

2005-12-24T05:53:02+00:00
and placing at 7th... The North American Aerospace (formerly Air) Defense Command - no clue what-so-ever what these cats have been doing since the end of the cold war, except experimenting with Flash...BUT they're doing a great job tracking the location of Santa Claus this year. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 8th Place

2005-12-23T05:05:09+00:00
Coming in at 8th place... If you're a US taxpayer, you owe it to yourself to see where your money is going today on the internet... The Department of Transportation A website with no street appeal at all and once you tour the interior, well, it's not exactly scenic. Most redeeming internet asset: Scenic By_ways - filled with info about driving all over the place and spending a lot of money doing it. . . . . .

Endangered Bugs

2005-12-23T05:04:00+00:00
Contrary to popular wisdom, it's not just mammals and fishes on the US endangered species list. There are quite a number of bugs as well. Barely hanging onto existence in Texas for example, is an un-named beetle, only discovered in 1987 and promptly slated for extinction by the year 2000. When thirteen years pass between your discovery and probable extinction, that's just... cruel and unusual, but to be un-named as well? Oddly enough, a third of all endangered insects in the USA currently struggling for survival are in Texas, with 19 out of almost 59 endangered bugs in all. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 9th Place

2005-12-22T05:16:28+00:00
Okay, we're skipping 13th place through 10th place and going straight to ninth! Coming in at number 9.... The Bureau of Alcohol ,Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives - it's just....dreadful. You may be moved to ask: Are US tax dollars actually being used here or does somebody in the Bureau have an uncle in the web design business? Most redeeming features, the most wanted list and the remarkably dysfunctional US Bomb Data Center. Also not to be missed, the section just for kids (so cute!). . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 14th Place

2005-12-21T05:15:24+00:00
Priorities are important. Where the priorities are, the money will follow. Where they are not, well you can figure it out. The Department of Health and Human Services Website Coming in at 14th place, all we can hope for from this visually-challenged cabinet level site is that it isn't costing tax payers very much. Millions and millions of links on every page, guaranteed to take the inquisitive web surfer to nowhere and beyond. Best feature: The Google Powered HHS Search, which is the only way to really find what you're looking for. Look for the HHS site to go Google Home Page friendly in 2006 and place in the top four Federally Funded Web Sites next year, or else. . . . . .

The 2005 Worst and Best Dressed of Tax Payer Funded Federal Websites. - 15th Place

2005-12-20T14:08:23+00:00
Who got the federal budget slice of US tax dollars to spend on the world wide web this year and who didn't? Let's look at the websites. Coming in dead last at number 15 in the countdown is.... Not surprisingly... The Bureau of the Public Debt website! A sad and lonely relic of design and technology, but hey, they got no money! Right? This, most lonely outpost in the vast chain of Federally funded internet destinations, primarily points the occasional visitor to a 1998 shopping cart, except in this cart you're lending the USA some money, which the government promises to back with interest a very long time from now. The site does have one brilliant contribution to the web, and that is the frequent updates on the exact debt, to the penny. As of 12/16 it was posted as 8,100,903,302,296.92 In fact, you can subscribe their monthly RSS feed of debt, which is rather handy. . . . . .

eHairmony

2005-12-18T16:15:37+00:00
By now, we've all heard of the eHarmony Personality Profile for finding your true love, but what if you'd just rather have a dog instead? This short quiz will tell you what breed of dog is best for you, based on your obvious character flaws. A much more rigorous test , with more points of compatibility such how much hair you want to clean up. Certainly another good indicator of the perfect dog for you is your astrological sign, compared to that of your dog. Here's one more that asks what your favorite color is (as long as it's not orange) and a variety of other deeply troubling personality indicators. Maybe you already have a dog in your life and just want to know what it's personality is . . . . . .

Dead Body Guy

2005-12-14T22:52:46+00:00
I've always dreamed of being in a movie or on TV. I grew up like most people in their 40's watching everything from Dragnet to Twilight Zone and dreaming "I can do that if just given the chance"... I close my eyes and see "DEAD BODY...played by... ME!"

...I can lay there and be dead. I can achieve my dream by being shot, stabbed, drugged, mugged, mangled, strangled or any other scenario you can think of. I can even recite lines if needed. As you have probably already guessed, I am not shy at all.

High on a hill was a lonely drunkard...

2005-12-12T02:06:15+00:00
Yep, it's The Sound of Music Drinking Game! Prost!

Stare down Sally

2005-12-11T18:22:53+00:00
Sally just loves staring contests. She prefers to win, but she can be a graceful loser.

So don't blink!

The Biggest of the BigFoot Links

2005-12-11T14:26:50+00:00
You're certain to wonder at some point, who has the most authoritative BigFoot website? At one time, The Sasquatch Information Society was the clearing house for the majority of BigFoot info on the web, but times change. These days, The International BigFoot Society seems to have the most recently updated sightings database, as well as nifty clickable maps of the USA and Canada and clickable reports from other countries. While there's no shortage of state-wide bigfoot societies, such as The Pennsylvania Big Foot Society, The Texas Bigfoot Sociey, and countless others too numerous to mention, Oregon BigFoot clearly leads the pack, not only with sponsorship dollars, but a nice little section dedicated to Big Foot Humor. Lastly, where's the best place on the web for BigFoot Merchandise? The clear leader in product and price-point is Big Foot Surplus - with the remarkable BigFoot Action Figure, which comes with a handy foot stamp pad so you can make your own tracks! . . . . .

Fabulous Pets

2005-12-10T15:35:04+00:00
Dedicated pets are working hard to look like celebrities. See the best of these hard-working animals. This agent apparently represents ant actors, but doesn't supply any head shots. Some talented pets are actual celebrities and most of them are represented by the biggest hollywood pet agency - whose catchy slogan is "Any actor can beg for a part, but ours do it on cue". Clearly, not all pets can be fabulous, but that doesn't mean they can't look good.Dress up your pet today. . . . . .

The Dog Diaper

2005-12-08T14:03:13+00:00

It's unclear which is more disturbing, the idea itself, the fact that the site is mentioned as a "Cool Site of the Day" by What's On, or the Gold International Award received at the Invention Convention of 1997.
Since the inventor doesn't have them for sale at the site, this uniquely unsettling link will prove quite handy in that regard.

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Make Bettter Stone Tools

2005-12-06T13:37:36+00:00

And you probably thought stone tools were as good as they would ever get...

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